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It’s alarming to think that in an alternate universe, a less confident Judi Dench, might have sacrificed her playful nature in the interest of being thought of as a “good pupil”, and Princess Diana might have adopted stoicism and deprived multiple people from experiencing her vulnerability. It’s amusing to read just how wrong the perception of those, probably well-intentioned, teachers were. But how many people fall victim to these early interpretations and perceptions of their behaviour, and let these unhelpful words prevent them from stepping into an authentic life?

We can be so easily programmed to believe that the views of others are true, and also permanent. Often this becomes the guiding principle to our own belief of ourselves and our potential, and then informs our behaviour. Our internal dialogue is the basis of our programming, and these negative constructs can form the scaffolding on which we build our identity.

So how does this programming actually happen?

As humans, language is our technology, it’s the means through which we pretty much get everything done. Our earliest programming came when we first began to make sense of the world. This laid the foundation for what would become our narrative - the deep, and often unexamined story we began to live by.

Author Walter Truett Anderson beautifully articulated that “Language was the first technology - but like other technologies, not fully understood. People thought it was merely a tool for describing the world, and didn’t know it was a tool for creating it." So in addition to language being a tool for gaining a shared understanding and coordinating action with each other, the language we use determines how we see the world and what we bring into being.

The thing with being human is we can’t not be in language, as we are in constant conversation either with ourselves (in our thoughts), or with others. We listen to and sense the world around us. We then build an interpretation from what is already known to us -from earlier experiences, our culture and beliefs. This becomes our perception. Then, as we speak or think we create our reality. For example, if I keep telling a story that “I am” a certain way, then that is the reality I begin to generate.

Perhaps, given the influence our stories have over us it is worth tuning into what we are saying to ourselves now, and examine the potentially outdated, and maybe inherited beliefs we hold of ourselves, to reveal our true identity.  

Peter Crone (thought leader in the field of human potential and performance) in his work as the “mind architect” has a theory as to how this happens. He suggests at a point in early childhood, and as we started wanting to be part of a group, some of us might have had a sense that being who we were was not acceptable in some way. Something happened that could have been interpreted by us, as us suddenly having to do something differently in order to be okay, and get the love and acceptance that humans crave. It doesn’t even have to have been a significant event, but perhaps the accumulation of many micro experiences, that begin to inform a belief that in order to belong, a person needs to alter themselves in some way. These thoughts in turn lead to a  change in behaviour in order to be thought of as, for example “an easy-going person”, “a clever boy” or “a skinny girl”. We might start aspiring to an undefined and maybe unachievable standard, despite what we really feel. 

His theory continues that as we grow up, we keep holding onto this belief and keep interpreting the world through this self-deprecating lens of not being okay as we are. We adapt to this belief of inadequacy by choosing behaviours to compensate for this feeling of lack.

This behaviour can play out in a million ways, for example, a person might default to be a people pleaser, and exhaust themselves with a background story of “I need to be easy-going for people to accept me”. Alternatively, someone declines a promotion and misses a fantastic opportunity because of a fear that, “they will see I am not clever enough”. Maybe it’s even not going on a date and missing out on human connection because of a belief that “I can only be loved when I lose weight”. All of this programming and patterning is in our language and is far from awareness - yet is still the driver of behaviour and the determinant of our life path.

But if this programming is an outdated story, how does one begin to update the programme to a current version, with new more relevant stories - stories which will serve us for who we want to be as our adult selves?

It starts with awareness. Dr Joe Dispenza advises “be the thinker; not the thoughts”. The self-limiting judgements we hold can no longer be blamed on unkind or thoughtless words of some character from our past, because now we are the only ones saying them.

We can’t get rid of a thought, but we can introduce a new one - and use our language to shift our way of being. How about taking a few moments and really notice what you are thinking - what are you saying to yourself about yourself? With this awareness of what has been an opinion which became an unhelpful belief, we can begin to move to a new way of thinking and with a more helpful narrative, we can change our programme.

I invite you to ask yourself these questions to facilitate your programme upgrade:

• What is the self-limiting belief you hold?
• What would you say to your younger self about this self-limiting belief?
• What parts of your identity have you been holding back?
• What becomes available to you if you are not focused on these self-limiting beliefs?
• Do you give yourself permission to live from a new way of being with this constructive self-belief?

Approach your thoughts with compassion and allow for a new internal dialogue that enables the extraordinary individual who you are, and to live a life you choose.

Lana xox