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But how is this suppression of emotions interpreted as not being able to say “no”? Think of the times when you have really not wanted to do something. We have all been asked to go to an event that we really didn’t want to. And in attending this obligation we had to give-up on something we really did want to do. Maybe it was to spend time with family, or get some exercise or something else that was meaningful to us. When you were in this situation, what emotion came up for you when (seemingly) forced into this choice? Was it frustration, that turned into resentment perhaps? Did you verbalise it and address it in the moment? If not, maybe you paid attention to another voice in your head that told you, you had no choice, and you had to accept a path that someone else was putting you on. You couldn’t say “no”.

We make these seemingly small, yet very uncomfortable decisions all the time, and in doing so we are denying our true selves. In saying yes to others, we are in effect saying no to ourselves.

With our voice silenced, our body will eventually speak for us. Basically if you think you are able to bury an emotion, instead of processing it appropriately, it will eventually rip its way out of you.

“The salient stressors in the lives of most human beings today — at least in the industrialized world — are emotional. Just like laboratory animals unable to escape, people find themselves trapped in lifestyles and emotional patterns inimical to their health. The higher the level of economic development, it seems, the more anaesthetized we have become to our emotional realities. We no longer sense what is happening in our bodies and cannot therefore act in self-preserving ways. The physiology of stress eats away at our bodies not because it has outlived its usefulness but because we may no longer have the competence to recognize its signals.”

I was intrigued and disturbed by this quote from Dr Matè. The idea that we have lost our ability to sense into our bodies. We likely do feel something, but don’t “sense” it, in other words, we don’t trust or honour what we are feeling about the feeling. And then we completely ignore it, or just fail to see it for what it is. I think we can often tell someone exactly what is happening in our bodies, “I have a knot in my stomach”, “I have a pain in my neck”…but then don’t necessarily see the undeniable connection to our emotional state. So instead of using this information as data, and making a sensible decision based on that data, we intellectualise it; and internalise it, telling ourselves a story about “toughening up”, or we prioritise other beliefs like “what will people think”, or a million other stories that force our bodies to continue a pattern of behaviour, and endure an emotional stress far longer than it is in fact able to tolerate.

Another important and too often ignored observation is that “the physiology of stress eats away at our bodies”. Stress is not abstract. It is an agitation which triggers multiple systems within the body, designed for self-preservation. It is a perfect system in the face of real and short term threats, but highly destructive when experienced over the long term. The “Mindbody”, for all its intelligence, does not distinguish between real or imagined danger, and your thoughts and emotions are enough to initiate the launch sequence for multiple chemical and hormonal events.

In Dr Matè’s work, he has seen the extremes of lives lived with this oblivion to the body’s intelligence, and the suppression of the true self. He believes it manifests in diseases like cancer, or autoimmune conditions. From this perspective, it may seem like the patient is burdened with the blame for their own condition, but what it can actually do is open the possibility for responsibility — you can choose how to be.

Consider how this phenomenon shows up in the day to day grind that some individuals are putting themselves through, thinking they have no choice. Suppressing their true feelings, and slowly wearing down their physical selves. What about the subtle pleas from their bodies to use their external voice, that they have not been hearing. For now these messages are a whisper, but if left unattended will eventually sound out like a fire alarm. A tight chest doesn’t need to become a heart attack, so to speak.

It is never too late to make a shift to this more authentic self. We can become more attuned to our bodies and consider where we are suppressing our emotions and our true selves. What is at stake by not acknowledging outwardly how you feel in the moment. It can be helpful to think about who or what we might be blaming for how we feel, and rather consider how we might be able to act from a place of responsibility for our own emotions, and be empowered to change our behaviour. What difference would it make if we asked ourselves what we are being called to notice when we get a signal from our body. And what is the risk of ignoring a call, until it becomes a wake-up call.

What can you do to start saying yes — to yourself?

Here is an invitation to journal or reflect on the following:

• Notice what emotion you are feeling in relation to something you don’t really want to do. Articulate it - without trying to change it.
• What is it trying to take care of for you?
• How does it feel in your body? (how are you breathing; is there any tension that comes with this emotion? etc.)
• What are you not saying that needs to be said?

Make a list of 3 ways you will say yes to yourself in the week ahead. Maybe it’s yes to exercise; yes to sleep; yes to only participating in activities you truly want to. Only you know the answer to this.

If you find this awareness helpful, and would like to make a habit of being true to yourself, it can be useful to incorporate an unavoidable visual reminder of what you want to say yes to. Maybe it’s a sticky note on your bathroom mirror, or a calendar reminder on your phone. Whatever you find helpful to shift you into a “saying yes to yourself” habit.

We are fortunately in an age when there is growing awareness not of a mind-body ‘connection’, but rather of a Mindbody. One incredible system, full of valuable data and endless possibilities, if we trust it and use it authentically.

Lana xo